Professional deformation of a personality

Professional deformation of a personality
From my previous blogs you know pretty well my opinion to the question of serious relationships between an escort and a client. It’s pretty simple: NO. But some time ago I’ve started to realize (as you can see from my last blog as well), that I’m missing something. And this ‘something’ are probably emotions. I haven’t had any relationships except my work for the last 4 years. And when you are 29 yo, 4 years is pretty long time.
So, yesterday evening, sitting alone in my nice new rented apartment in one of the most beautiful part of Oslo, sharing a glass of Pinot Grigio with my reflection in the window, I started to analyze the problem.
I’m sure you’ve heard about professional deformation of personality. And I can tell you, that escorts suffer from it more than anyone else. Being a self-assured girl with a degree in psychology I was strongly convinced: who else if not me can handle it? Ha ha. No such luck. But let me start from the beginning.

A few days ago on one russian escortgirls’ forum a woman created a topic: ‘I realized that I’m afraid of men. What shall I do?’ And she described a situation when she was drinking a coffee in a cafe and some guy tried to meet her, and her thoughts were like ‘Oh, he wanna fuck me!’, so she rejected his attempt and run away.  ‘Crazy girl! She prejudge men,-’ was my first reaction on this. 
A bit later I was spending a weekend in one European country with a regular whom I really liked. Don’t get me wrong: if I wouldn’t like a man he wouldn’t become my regular, but sometimes it’s something more then ‘Ok, Nice time together’. ( As you can meet with different escorts but have a few ‘favorites’, or different girls to each occasions, the same with us and our clients.  We have lists like ‘Nice and easy’, ‘Good sex, bad behavior’, ‘Nice attitude, but greedy’, ‘Soul connection, common interests’ etc. and the list ‘Dangerous! High voltage! Can hurt!’) My guy was from this list. And you if your meeting with such guy lasts longer than sex and cuddling, discussing  your feelings is inevitable. He started:
-I feel that there’s something more between us.
-More then what?
-Then a deal ‘escort-customer’.
-What should we do with that?
-What can we?
-I love my wife.
-Sure. Then let’s just enjoy the moment.
So  we’d decided ‘Carpe diem’: live your life now and here and don’t think about the future. But as it always happens, the main question was raised: ‘What if you are not sencier with me?’ I’ve heard this question a lot of times. And be sure, each time I wanted to ask the person the same. The problem is  that there is no answer. And that’s why I come back to the beginning: serious relationships between an escort and a client. And thanks to all your stories and experience you’ve shared in my previous posts, today I think: Yes. It’s possible. But there are so many conditions and requirements should be realized... OMG
First of all, as most of things in our lives, it depends on a person, but... Probably you won’t be able to escape the problem of ‘suspicious’ about sincerity. Does the girl really like you or she just wants to get some profits? Does the guy really interested in relationship with me or he just wants to fuck an escort for free? 
As for me, I already burned at this: I felt in love with a client, we decided to start ‘relationships’. I’ve spent all my free time with him without asking for any payment, he made me some gifts and wrote romantic messages, we visited his friends and parents as a ‘couple’ and he pretended to be almost not jealous to my work (‘It’s your job, I understand ‘). Until one day I got an sms from my colleague: ‘Do you know this number? He wants to make an appointment and I can’t find any information about him...’ And my eye started to twitch like: ‘WHAT?’
I’ve never been a scandalous-person, so I just blocked him everywhere and stopped communication. He sent me messages from other numbers and accounts ‘I was so stupid! It was a mistake! I felt jealous to your clients! I’m so sorry’ Bla-bla-bla... After that case I’ve never let myself to start any love-relationships with a client... And yesterday, when I started to analyze everything, I’ve realized that since that time I hadn’t had any relationships at all. Probably because in every man I’ve started to see a ‘client’. Hello, my own professional deformation:)
Indeed, when a guy in ‘normal life’ was intended to become closer to me, I stopped it, because I wasn’t able to tell him what I do for living and I’m not a good liar to invent some other story. So I told to myself ‘maybe later...’ and came back to work. Finally, this ‘postponing’ leaded me to the fact that I’m missing something. A very important part of a life: relationships. I’m afraid to build it with a client because I’m afraid to be used; I cannot build it with an ordinary guy because I’m not sure he will accept my job. Totally deformed. And I have no idea: should I just accept it or fight. What is your advice?

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